Dealing With Insecurity

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This picture is one of my favorites that I have ever drawn as a college student. Growing up, I had always been creative, and I would do so many things whether that be drawing, origami, writing, etc. I started to lose touch with my love for creating as I got older because I felt like my work wasn’t good enough. I would tell myself things like, “You can’t do that as good as her/him, ” or something along the lines of, ” Just put that away, people will only think that you want attention.” Writing these out on here makes me realize how silly they actually sounded, but this was reality for me. It started to progressively get worse as I got into middle school and I began to notice other things that I did not love about myself, like my body. From here, my grades began to slip and I really began to believe that I wasn’t smart and it became harder to pay attention in class. To keep this long story short, as a result I became so isolated from the truth and blinded by my own insecurities that I missed out on so much life. These lies that I would constantly tell myself suddenly became my character and I was miserable and angry all the time, to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

All of this, and for what? I was looking for validation in things and people that never gave me the time of day. It wasn’t until I got into college that I started revisiting my faith, and I was introduced to a familiar yet completely different kind of love. Soon the truth would come out and I realized that I already had everything I needed and even though it took me so long to see it I’m gad I finally did. I have a family that loves me and old friends and new friends that love me for who I am and who I am becoming.

Every time I start to have these thoughts I get out my notepad or my phone and make two lists. On one side I write, as you may have already guessed, The Lie, and on the other side,  The Truth. Say for instance the lie would be, ‘No one will ever love me.’ The truth would be, ‘I already have so many people who love me.’ Reminding yourself of the blessings that you already have and the blessings that are to come can completely shift your mind. If it is so easy for us to convince ourselves that we are insignificant, then it can be just as easy to remind ourselves of how amazing we actually are. I’m not saying that this is a proven way to fix anything, I get it. This is easier said than done and it took me a while to start believing. Another thing that I tell myself when I start comparing myself or my work to others is, ‘No one is you and you may not be able to do things like them, but you can do things like you.’ I don’t know what it is about this powerful yet more than likely grammatically incorrect phrase that helps, but it does. That’s all I have for today. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and I will probably be putting more content up related to these kinds of topics as I see fit. Life is hard and we all go through the motions but it is so much easier to have people around to know and understand what we are going through. Again, thank you and I will be back soon.

-J’Anne

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2019: A Year to Celebrate

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From all of the laughs, late night study sessions with friends, and everything else in between, 2018 in itself was revolutionary. I learned quite a bit more about who I am and the routines that worked for me. I found that prayer, even in the bad times, is a very powerful thing.  That it was okay to cry, as long as I picked myself right back up afterward. That I was a bit more allergic to hazelnuts than I thought after greedily eating a Ferrero Rocher and having my mouth dry out. Just discoveries upon discoveries.

This morning I woke up early that way I could get as much out of today as possible. I had the chance to sit and jot down my aspirations for the upcoming year and I thought I would share. I am not doing any New Year’s resolutions because let’s be honest, sometimes I get lazy and I don’t want to beat myself up over not sticking to a set plan. With that being said, here it is:

May we walk into 2019 knowing that we are worthy and loved. Let us experience more victories than loss. May we continue to make the right decisions that will lead us to become our best version of ourselves. May we receive love, prosperity, health and anything else that we desire in abundance. That we strive to love more like Jesus. May we worry less and laugh more. Procrastinate less and take more action. May we be reminded to be grateful for the things that we already have and for all of the things heading our way. For all of the blessings that we already have and have not yet received. And finally, and most importantly, to be happy. 

Thank you to whoever reads this! I hope you all have fun and safe plans to celebrate the upcoming year. Let’s soar into 2019 with a clean slate and claim our victory because 2019 will be a year to celebrate! 🙂  xo

-J’Anne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kezee Street

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Lately I’ve been thinking about the house that my family used to live in on the corner of Kezee St. Eleven years ago to be exact. It was a large white, slightly slanted house with a torn down garage in the driveway. Our home was just down the road from my cousin’s house so we would stay gone for hours on end running around and exploring the neighborhood. I still remember the looks that we received because of how many of us there were. Sometimes there would be five  of us and other times whenever my family from across town would come visit there would be ten. I’m sure it looked funny; a herd of young Hispanic kids walking in the street. Me and my cousin, Titos, trailing along behind in the grass because we weren’t old enough to walk with the big kids.

I never would have guessed how much I would miss these moments, but here I am now sitting in my sister’s apartment, dog sitting and reminiscing back to my childhood. I’m 20 now, and sometimes it just feels so strange. I start to notice how everything around me is changing and time seems to continuously slip right through my fingers. Whenever I go back to my hometown during the holidays to visit my Aunt and walk the same paths that I would when I was younger, it feels almost like a movie. A distant memory that will forever be etched into the streets of my city.

I look over at the train tracks, then remember the countless nights sitting up in bed, not being able to sleep because of the thundering and shaking of the train as it rolled down the railway. I remember how, despite our mom’s stern insistence not to, we would put coins down to be smashed. We never knew what we would use them for, we just thought they looked neat, almost like those silver and gold talismans used in movies.

I remember the old, weather beaten shed in the back that my sister’s and I turned into a clubhouse. Friends would come and go, but all of our names painted in an old can of red spray paint would remain.

Then there was the cucumber plant that my dad planted and to this day I still have no idea if it bloomed. Maybe the person who had moved in after us or even the person after them would have found it. Either way, the mystery remains, because now the house is gone forever. It was sold to the city who would knock it down, taking all of our memories with it. Sold to someone who had no idea what it meant to the three girls who lived there eleven years earlier. The house in itself is now just a ghost.

Recently, when my sister and I drove to Kezee street during the holidays to look at the rubble, I realized that even though our memories were here, this was not our home. Our home was the feeling that would follow us to every house after that, because we were all together. This big, slightly slanted white house with the broken down garage in the driveway was home to one of the most beautiful moments in our lives and though it’s foundation has crumbled, our memories will not.


Thank you so much to whoever reads this. I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and I will be back hopefully sometime before the new year. xo

-J’Anne

 

 

 

 

 

 

If You are Feeling Overwhelmed

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Hello everyone and welcome back. This post is going to be a little different because I just wanted to sit down and talk to you guys for a bit. There must have been a reason that you clicked on this , and whatever reason that may be just know you are not alone. Stress is normal around this time of year, especially with the plethora of things going on. Whether that be deadlines, studying, preparing for finals etc., I know because that is exactly what I am going through at the moment. So many things have been happening lately and with school on top of everything else, my life has been crazy.

I’m sorry, I am not trying to sit here and rant about how crappy my life is because that isn’t the case. My life isn’t perfect and I don’t claim for it to be, but the constant pressure from those around us to be perfect and only share the happy moments in our lives can really take a toll on you. I just feel that by sharing my experiences will not only help me, but anyone else who is in my situation.

Anyway, to get back on topic, when things start happening and our workload starts to pile up, we tend to make our situations worse by worrying and playing the victim. ( I know I do, I am super dramatic) Just remember that YOU got this! You made it to the end of the semester and that is something to celebrate. Get out of your room and call up some friends for a study date. Knock that test out of the park. Treat yourself to some coffee because you deserve it, don’t let these things take your joy away! I know I am starting to sound a bit cliché and I’m not trying to tell you that these are some magical cures to all of your problems. I get it, life is hard. Some people may not be able to get out of bed or they may not feel motivated to do anything. If this is you, please hang in there. Everything happens on your own time and , if I must say so myself, I am proud of you. You made it another day and are doing everything that you can right now. Please don’t give up, because no one has seen the best of you yet. Just give yourself time.

If you start to feel worthless because you feel like you aren’t living up to everyone else’s expectations, don’t. I struggle with this on the daily and I constantly compare myself to others about anything and everything. Just little things like this start to take a hold of me and I start to stray away from how I normally do things. I try to adopt other routines and guess what? They never work. Every time this happens I remind myself that it’s okay if I can’t do something like someone else, because I know that I can do it J’Anne’s way.  🙂 Whenever I get into this mindset of self acceptance, I realize that there is nothing wrong with doing things my way as long as I know that I tried.

It is just a slow process of getting to know yourself and getting in touch with your feelings.  Through this you slowly start to love yourself and through loving yourself you begin to find true happiness. I am still on this journey but I can say that I have come a long way from where I was a year ago. I hope that everyone of you can learn to love yourself. We need to break the stigma of sadness during the holidays because I see so many amazing people struggle and I wish that I can help. Sadly, I know that this easier said than done, but I can still try my best to be there for those that need me.

Good luck to you all and please take care of yourselves for these next couple of weeks.  ❤

-J’Anne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8:00 PM

The world after 8:00 pm is one of my favorite times. Either the atmosphere is filled with the boisterous noise of people going out for a night on the town or it is silent. I tend to like both. Part of me dreams of exploring the streets of a strange city until 2:00 am with the people that I love most, but another part of me wouldn’t mind turning in early.

On Monday nights when I am walking home from my  lab, I cannot get over how beautiful everything looks. The world around me is drenched in silvery moonlight. The roads that were once busy with traffic are now glowing with green, yellow and red hues. It just feels comfortable. The sun isn’t out to reveal my secrets, and it is just me, the moon, and the stars.


Just something short and sweet. I will be back very soon ❤

-J’Anne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20.

20.  October 23, 2018

My day started at 5:30 am.

I wasn’t sure why, but everything just felt different. Normally, when Tuesday rolls around I tend to sleep in, but today I practically jumped out of bed. Despite the fact that it was raining, I still got up, got dressed and went out to finish the thing that I have been putting off for so long. It was strange for me but I decided to just go along with it since I felt restless and needed some fresh air.

While I was walking to the academic advisement center it had dawned on me; today is my birthday. How could I forget? I turned my phone on and saw the flood of Happy Birthday messages from my family and friends and I started to reflect back on myself. (I know, I’m sounding a little too dramatic but hear me out!) For the past 20 years, I have neglected putting myself as my top priority. All of the times that I have stayed in bed on my days off procrastinating, watching Netflix; thinking that I was taking care of myself. I wasn’t.

Now I’m not saying that I just “woke up a different person”. As much as I wish that I could change everything over night, I know that the process is much more difficult than that. I just realized that if I want to be anywhere close to the person that I want to be, I cannot stay the same. I have wasted almost half of my life being too afraid to do anything; whether that be dancing, singing obnoxiously, sharing my writing, or speaking in public, and I am tired of it. There are so many things that I want to do but those little thoughts and fears in the back of my mind hold me captive. But not anymore.


Hello to whoever is reading this! I decided to share my journal entry from this morning as a way to open up a bit more since there are quite a handful of you now. ( Technically there are only 6 of you guys right now but I am more than grateful that you have all stuck by me! 🙂 ) I still haven’t decided what I am going to do for my birthday yet, but if I do anything I will probably post it on my Instagram which is linked on my home page. Thank you so much for reading and I will be back very soon.

much love,

J’Anne ❤

October Planning: Monthly Set up

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So I decided that I was going to try something a little different this month and take on bullet journaling. I have heard many good things about bullet journaling and I am very excited to finally try it out. Now I know this isn’t a traditional way to bullet journal but I wanted to utilize resources that I already had on hand. Also, bullet journals can get kind of pricey so I wanted to test the waters a bit before I fully commit to buying one. As far as materials, I used my  .5 inch binder that I bought a couple of years back from Walmart and plain computer paper.

Break down:

  • Page 1 – Yearly spread.
  • Page 2 – Monthly spread.
  • Page 3 – Weekly spread.
  • Page 4 – Gratitude list.

On the first page I set up a yearly spread for the rest of 2018. It is simple yet practical and I liked the idea of having the rest of the year set out before me.

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Then for the next page, I have a monthly layout with sections for important dates, a sleep tracker, Blog schedules, monthly expenses and a space to write down books that I will read.

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Next I set up a weekly spread. In this space I will be jotting down last-minute tasks, lunch dates, assignment dates, etc. Also at the bottom I scribbled down my daily morning routine that I have been following lately.

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And then finally for the last page of this month’s set up, I have dedicated one full page to my gratitude list. I have noticed that writing down the things that I am grateful for really have a positive impact on me, and I wanted to find a way to better incorporate them into my daily routine. If you don’t have a gratitude list already, I highly recommend that you make one.

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All in all, I feel like this set up is convenient and will help me stay on task. I will definitely be making some adjustments here and there and experiment with different set ups, but as of right now this is what I’m working with. That’s it for now! I hope this helped in some way and I will be posting again very soon. xo

-J’Anne